Sunday, 26 October 2014

Reparations

I've neglected you Blog, I'm sorry about that. Would you believe that I've simply been too busy to regale you with tales of my misadventures?! How about if I admit I haven't really had any misadventures?! OK... What if I admit that I've been too lazy to transpose my thoughts to a written word? Yeah... It's that one. I often wish that I could write blog posts simply by thinking about them, I have many things I wish to write about, but the act of actually writing it just seems too time consuming, too archaic, too... energetic! I want to share my thoughts with people, maybe just with one, special person. I want an intellectual connection that stimulates my soul into actually starting again.

Ultimately, lately, I've just felt rather lonely. My solo conversations have too much objectivity, and rather too much psychosis. My bed feels too big, when once I adored it's space. I've lacked genuine affection for a while and I'd like to think I deserve some, or at least a cheap imitation of it. But then I am the one standing in the way of it. I have preposterously high standards, strict social guidelines, stubborn life tenets, and a level of self loathing that can put the Catholics to shame.

I want people to like you Blog, I want to know the key to entertaining others... But I also want an outlet for my woes for they are only that; the cries of an ageing emo who just wants a hug and some biscuits. Maybe the key is to not break your long silence by writing a blog post on your phone after having been trawling through Facebook looking at the photos of female friends of friends thinking "that person is beautiful, why can I not know that person?"... because it's creepy, Gareth... Stay behind the line...

... Getting arrested really would play havoc with my work situation.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Has Feminism Gone Too Far?!

I read a story in the paper today that genuinely shocked and rather appalled me. The story was that the secretary of defence is moving forward in lifting the ban on women in the army being allowed to fight in combat on the front lines. And why exactly has this shocked me? Because why the fuck is there still a ban on this in the first place?! It's 2014, the world was supposed to end numerous times by now and yet we STILL have such archaic gender discrimination going on; it truly disgusts me. What is more shocking to me though, is the fact that I wasn't aware that this was still happening. Too often I'm perhaps naive in thinking that people are being treated equally because there is no justification for them not to be, and I wonder exactly how many other things I'm assuming are gender/racial/sexual orientation neutral when they aren't. I'm usually a pretty well-informed individual but I shall now be a lot more vigilante and an even more pro-active feminist; I hope everyone that reads this will do the same. #BringBackOurGirls.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Guilt, And The Oppression Of Living

One of the hardest things to deal with in regards to depression and suicidal feelings, is the feeling of guilt that saturates my world. Guilt is a deeply corrosive emotion at the best of times, but during your lowest points it's like rubbing sodium hydroxide into a wound.

When at your lowest ebbs, you can't imagine a pain worse, but you also know that there are people out there essentially struggling with more out in the world and probably complaining less. Whilst this might be true to a degree, it is impossible to measure one's pain against another's and no-one's pain is any more or less valid than another's. Quoting Rattigan from The Deep Blue Sea (which I'm currently performing in; I'll get to that shortly) - "Nothing can be considered trivial that induces an operative desire to die."

And so guilt is very destructive, the thoughts that always run through your head is that there is always someone worse off, so maybe I should shut up and stop complaining. But everyone has a right to complain when they are in pain, we do for physical pain... so why not emotional pain?! Guilt becomes even more destructive with regards to contemplating suicide. I do not want to cause anyone any pain or hurt, which is part of the reason why suicide seems an acceptable choice, I'm convinced that my continued presence will just continue to hurt people. But it is a huge struggle to reach out to people as it causes worry and pain, which makes everything much worse. It's a delicate vicious circle that is all set to swallow me whole.

It's perhaps causing me some issues performing in The Deep Blue Sea currently, due to the play's subject matter. It is a beautiful play and I'm honoured to play Freddie Page in it, yet I actually relate more to the characters of Hester and William Collyer. Hester is desperate to escape from a life where her passionate love isn't reciprocated in the same way and feels that suicide is the only way out. William is desperately in love with a woman who will never love him back and won't allow him to help her. It's hard to hear all the lines without them hitting home, like punches to the gut.

I want so very much to fight, I made promises to myself and to my purpose that I would never give up. But I have to admit to myself, that I'm simply not as strong as I want to be right now. To love can be the greatest, most beautiful and yet, most destructive of things; it shapes us into both the best and the worst of ourselves.

Saturday, 22 March 2014

The Precipice Of Purpose

I'm not one for hyperbole and tend to say exactly what I mean, so I would like you to keep this in mind whilst reading as it may seem like I am exaggerating my feelings.

I am sad. Moreover I am suicidal. It's taken me a while to truly realise this and it's not quite the state of mind I expected to be in. I have had suicidal thoughts for a number of years (it tends to go part and parcel with depression) and I've wanted to die for just as long, but haven't had any intentions or plans to kill myself. That hasn't really changed, but what has changed is that I've lost my purpose in life and that has brought these suicidal intentions into focus. I won't go into specifics, as they aren't important, but I have only recently understood my purpose in this world, an whilst it would have never made me happy (an emotion I have long since given up on) it made everything else in my life make sense, I could cope with anything and fight till the end of the world for it. Without that in place, nothing excites me, I look forward to nothing; I just sit here typing these words, going through the motions.

I guess in same ways this is me reaching out. A way I can do it without being properly direct with people. Despite my ability to be very open and honest, I've found recently that I've been lying to myself, and in turn other people, hiding how I truly feel to not upset or trouble anyone. But by doing so, I've not been myself and have actually hurt people in the process, the last thing that I want to do in this world.

I haven't made a decision as to my future, or what little there may be of it, but I am in the planning and process of making that decision. I don't want to feel this way, I enjoyed having a purpose, a true reason to be, I want that back. But without it, I shall either become an emotionless automaton, or I won't become anything at all; either way I'm not going to be much fun to be around... and that is rather the point, isn't it?!

Thursday, 5 December 2013

A Condiment For The Mind

Within the last year I've experienced a lot of very entertaining shows on YouTube, one of these is the channel Vsauce.

This channel ponders and explains a number of scientific and social subjects in 10 minute or so presentations given by the knowledgeable and thoroughly engaging Michael Stevens. Its popularity has spanned two sister channels: Vsauce2 where Kevin Lieber discusses unusual technology and knowledge about the natural world, and Vsauce3 where Jake Roper discusses the science behind fictional universes. All are well worth your time and appreciation, but of course with any factual material (especially that found on the internet) should always be taken with a grain of salt. Thankfully, they always cite their references and provide links to further reading, as every good researcher should do.

What prompted me to post this on my blog (other than my not having posted for a while), was that the latest video talked a little about the etymology of curse words, and etymology of all words, especially curse words, is a huge passion of mine. So please take a look and season your brain to taste.